|You humans, you're a hypocritical bunch, ain't ya? I mean, imagine if me and a pack of my best doggie friends lined up outside a home for the mentally impaired, pointed and laughed, then took pictures of them and added their actual misspoken quotes, then emailed those pictures to more friends and even made web sites glorifying the lack of mental prowess? Would you think that was cool? Hell no, I'd be vilified by the Liberal news mafia and before I know it that paragon of virtue Bill Mahr would open up his monologue with a snarky commentary about me. That's what would happen if animals mocked people.
Yet when you people mock animals, it's all good in the hood, right? Yeah, I'm talking about how you mock retarded felines, also known as the Internet meme "LOL-cats."
Now don't get me wrong, I got no love for those goddamn cats. They get to shit and piss in the house while I have to stand at the door and do the pee-pee dance when nature comes a-knockin'. A cat couldn't protect you against goddamn angry gopher, let alone an actual burglar, and yet you buy these ass-hats FancyFeast? Dogs can hunt, protect you, help herd your sheep and we can bring back that goddamn stick you keep throwing like an idiot so you don't lose it (it's not a fucking boomerang, Einstein, no matter how many times you chuck that sucker it ain't gonna magically fly back to you). Can cats do any of that shit? Maybe, but we'll never know because they choose to sit around on their lazy, good-for-nothing asses all day and lick themselves (in full disclosure, sometimes we dogs lick ourselves as well, but we're like amateurs considered to the Picaso-esque levels of skill felis catus brings to that category, and we do it for a few minutes wheras Lance Armstrong would get bored with riding a bike before a cat would grow weary of the constant self-bathing).
Cats don't do a goddamn thing. They are like the parasite of the pet world. At least a gerbil will run in that goddamn little cage so you humans can point and laugh.
Where was I? Oh, right, pointing and laughing at the less fortunate. Look, some cats can't spell, okay? This is not something to laugh at! A retarded cat doesn't know he's the butt of your nasty, cruel humor. He's just a brotha trying to get by in the world, trying to educate himself and get literate. How the fuck is a semi-literate, retarded cat funny?
"I can has cheezebuger?"
First of all, you douchebag, it's "I can have a cheeseburger." Everyone knows this. You shouldn't laugh at a cat that can't spell, you should sit that cat down and help him learn how the word is actually written.
I mean, look at the picture to the right to see what can happen from your cruel humor. This cat just got fucked up by a train. A train, goddamit. Maybe if "kitteh" could spell, she could have read the fucking cross-walk sign and she'd still be with us. And do you mourn? Do you cry? No, you post a picture of her mangled corpse and you continue to mock the brain damage she carried through life.
Sure, let's make fun of the obese and indigent:
Look at this picture. How in the name of Rodney Dangerfield is shit shit funny? This cat is horribly overweight, probably has kitty diabetes, and hasn't moved of his fat ass in like a week.
This is tragic, not funny. Putting a live mouse in front of this guy would be mental torture so severe the guys at Guantanamo would flinch if you suggested it. We need child protective services on the case, not some goddamn Star Wars buff who thinks comparing a fat feline to Jabba the Hut is a form of high comedy.
Seriously, humans are all kind of douchebags.
Mocking life choices and reproduction? Really?
Look at this poor bastard. She has eight fucking kids. If I had eight fucking kids I shoot myself in the fucking face.
This inner-city cat (inner city of Cairo, bitches) clearly isn't educated enough to be responsible for her own reproductive needs, and you mock her. You think if a human woman had eight fucking kids that you'd celebrate that shit? Wait, I'm getting a text ... yeah? ... what? ... Octomom? ... A goodamn TV show, are you kidding me with this shit? You Humans, your selfish hatred knows no bounds.
Stop being a douchebag
Yes, read that sub-head again. Stop it. Just stop it, all of you. Stop laughing at retarded cats. Putting misspelled words on a picture of a cat is not funny. You are not clever. Get over yourself. Humans: someday I will bite you all.
Oh, I'm sorry, let me put that in a context you sadistic fucks can better understand:
"Hue-manz, somedayz I waz you all bitey-bitey!"