So last night, the Evil Queen™ was supposed to go out to see a movie with her friend, while I stayed home and studied particle physics (read also: play FIFA on the XBox360). Her friend's kid got sick and cancelled.
So, the Evil Queen says to me "hey, will you go see Black Swan with me?"
"I am improving my knowledge of the universe tonight," I said. "What's it about?"
"It's that movie with Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis."
Well, shit, pardner, you had me at Natalie Portman. Then I get to the movie, and EQ is very happy and says "It's so nice of you to come to a ballet movie with me, because I know you'd rather catch an intestinal parasite and shit blood for a week than watch ballet." She didn't say exactly that, but it's what she meant.
And I thought: "Oh, fuck me running, ninety minutes of fucking ballet?"
I went looking for some unclean water that might contain said intestinal parasites, but couldn't find any. Damn.
But I watched it, and holy shitballs packed with the sawdust from the Tree of Aweseome, it was one of the best horror movies I have ever seen. It's gross. It's got so much cringe-worthy that much of the movie was spent with my eyes wide, my hands over my mouth, and my knees up in the air. I was fucking exhausted when this bitch rolled credits.
For the first (and last, goddamit) time in my life, I will say that ballet is balls-out bad-ass. Portman should just stay home in her pajamas on oscar night and they can mail her the trophy.
Normally, I check out with the excuse for creativity known as "hey, is this really happening, or is it just imagined! I'm so clever by showing you something and not telling you if it's real or not!" But not this time. I was in for a pound and gave back the penny because I was so fucking entertained.
I highly recommend it. Best ballet/horror flick you will see this month, I promise.
This may sound crazy, but if you liked the cringiness of INFECTED, you will love this flick.